Sunday, August 12, 2007
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Feeling Nostalgic and Saying Goodbye
So today one of my dear friends left to begin the next stage of her life. She's a dancer, and she's moving to West Palm Beach, Florida to dance for a company there under contract. I'm really happy for her, but she is one of the individuals in my core group of friends and I can honestly say that letting her go was very difficult. Out of this "core group" there are about four or five of us, all the same age, and last year after we graduated high school I was the only one who continued on to a major university. Thus, I was the only one that had a big traumatic goodbye/farewell scenario unfold. I remember it vividly; we got together the night before, went out to dinner at Cheesecake, then went back to one of our houses and drank mojitos (don't judge me :). Then the next morning I woke up, made sure everything was packed, and prepared to end that chapter of my life and leave for college. My friends came over and in a very, very tearful, traumatic farewell, I left. They came and saw me off, told me how much they'd miss me, and then my parents stepped in, told everyone to grab hands, and my mother said a prayer through her sobs for my safety, well-being, and for my future.
Now I know how it feels to be on the receiving end; to be the one who has to say goodbye. My friend, we'll call her Danielle, is very different from me politically, but that was part of what made our friendship so vibrant and so strong; there were four of us there saying goodbye to Danielle and we all stood in a line and hugged her. When she got to me and my ex-girlfriend, she lost it -- as she was very close to both of us. When she lost it and succumbed to her tears, so did everyone else. It reminded me so much of when I left as we embraced and told eachother we loved each other, which we do -- very much. I really do wish Danielle the best, and miss her dearly. Saying goodbye is never easy, but I feel it probably makes one stronger.
I also feel myself recollecting and becoming nostalgic now more than ever before. I still have a few weeks before I go back to school, but lately I've been finding myself daydreaming about high school, about memories past, and about my life before I was, literally, on my own. I was doing the same thing this time last year, but that was because I was about to dive off into the great unknown and begin a completely new, foreign chapter in my life. Now, I'm just remembering all the things I've done; it's crazy to think that now I'm really out of high school. I've been out of high school for two years now, I'm no longer a fresh graduate. I'm a college student. It's scary and it makes me sad as I remember myself walking through the halls of my high school, optimistic and happy and so blissfully ignorant to the real world, believing that this would last forever and that it would never truly end. But it does, faithful readers, it does. I now tell my sister the same things I was told years ago: enjoy it while it lasts, because it's coming, and it will come fast. Those words are so true. You really do grow up.
In other news, I think I'm in love, but I don't think that's really a giant revelation. "Love" is probably the wrong word. I'm more "lovesick." So lovesick, in fact, that I want to write a song. Or jump off a bridge. Or just sit and cry and drink wine and listen to Bob Segar and wallow in self-pity. Please pray for me.
Now I know how it feels to be on the receiving end; to be the one who has to say goodbye. My friend, we'll call her Danielle, is very different from me politically, but that was part of what made our friendship so vibrant and so strong; there were four of us there saying goodbye to Danielle and we all stood in a line and hugged her. When she got to me and my ex-girlfriend, she lost it -- as she was very close to both of us. When she lost it and succumbed to her tears, so did everyone else. It reminded me so much of when I left as we embraced and told eachother we loved each other, which we do -- very much. I really do wish Danielle the best, and miss her dearly. Saying goodbye is never easy, but I feel it probably makes one stronger.
I also feel myself recollecting and becoming nostalgic now more than ever before. I still have a few weeks before I go back to school, but lately I've been finding myself daydreaming about high school, about memories past, and about my life before I was, literally, on my own. I was doing the same thing this time last year, but that was because I was about to dive off into the great unknown and begin a completely new, foreign chapter in my life. Now, I'm just remembering all the things I've done; it's crazy to think that now I'm really out of high school. I've been out of high school for two years now, I'm no longer a fresh graduate. I'm a college student. It's scary and it makes me sad as I remember myself walking through the halls of my high school, optimistic and happy and so blissfully ignorant to the real world, believing that this would last forever and that it would never truly end. But it does, faithful readers, it does. I now tell my sister the same things I was told years ago: enjoy it while it lasts, because it's coming, and it will come fast. Those words are so true. You really do grow up.
In other news, I think I'm in love, but I don't think that's really a giant revelation. "Love" is probably the wrong word. I'm more "lovesick." So lovesick, in fact, that I want to write a song. Or jump off a bridge. Or just sit and cry and drink wine and listen to Bob Segar and wallow in self-pity. Please pray for me.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Finding Peace
First off, my apologies for such a huge, glaring absence. Truth-be-told, I sort of lost interest in updating this blog (after two entries ... I'm a cad, I know). I began keeping a tangible diary, spiral-bound and hand-written, shortly after the original genesis of this blog, but due to a paralyzing fear of being found out, I disposed of it. I have decided to return to this blog, a wonderful lighthouse in the murky darkness, a guiding beacon to the wayward sailor that is myself. I remember the sense of, for lack of a better cliché, catharsis I experienced as I wrote about emotions that I had only dared to think about, never to give reality by speaking of (although I guess typing them out into the internet medium isn't necessarily speaking of them either). But, nonetheless, updating this blog and writing in it, albeit only the two measly times, was very much something I needed. Desperately.
A quick update on my life: I finished my first year at a major university successfully. I was a Dean's Scholar with good grades, the pride and joy of my parents, and returned home with much enthusiasm and excitement to a family that mourned my absence and friends that exploded with glee upon our reunion. It's been a fabulous summer, one in which I worked as a swim coach for the second year, an experience that was nothing less than rewarding. Just like last summer, I loved it, and it gave me a nice tan and bleached my dark hair to a wonderful shade of summery-blonde. I've enjoyed the company of my best friends, and we've certainly made memories that we will cherish for years to come. In short, everything, on the surface, has been splendid.
Unfortunately, my life feels very superficial and it seems that every emotion these days is "on the surface" and "unauthentic". Obviously, dear and faithful readers, (of which there are few of you, a fact I hope to change soon) this is due almost completely in part to my homosexuality, a struggle that still plagues me like a knife in the side. Sadly, I'm still experiencing misery in this department as I try to reconcile my homosexuality with my Christianity, a task that seems, at times, almost impossible. Thankfully, I've found solace in a place known as GayChristian.net, a refuge I highly recommend to anyone that is experiencing the same kind of hardships that I'm currently trudging through. GayChristian.net, or GCN as I like to call it, has been such a huge blessing in my life, and has helped me to navigate these waters to the best of my fledgling abilities. I can't say that I'm out yet, or that I'm any closer to telling my parents (a scenario that is nightmarish in its imagination), but the prospect of "coming out" and "living authentically" is no longer an unimaginable, impossible topic for me. I know that one day I will find peace and I will find serenity, hopefully with a partner but perhaps not; regardless, thankfully God has been speaking to me.
As I told a dear friend tonight, one I met through GCN nonetheless, I've decided to stop living my life for myself and start living it for God. As I told this friend, I've slowly begun to realize that my misery is a result of feeling absolutely and completely alone and abandoned. But yet, I'm not alone -- and this, dear reader(s), is something that I've only just begun to realize... I'm not alone! My Lord, dear Yahweh himself, is with me every step of the way. He knows my heart and my struggles (God knows there are many...), and he knows every decision, good or bad, that I have made, am making, and will make in the future. I know that he went to Calvary for me, and accepted nails in his hands and feet, a spear in his side, and a crown of thorns upon his head, all because he loved me with the most impossible love one could ever fathom. I know that I am not walking this path alone. Yes, I have my friends and GCN, but I also (and most importantly) have my dear, sweet savior holding my hand, wiping away my tears, and keeping my head up as he illuminates my path. I pray for encouragement as I dive into God's Word and truly find, for the first time in my life -- without the influence of arguable "Men of God" -- just what His words mean to me. It's an exciting time for me as I grow, not only as a Christian, but as a person and as a man... A gay man, but a man nonetheless. A man who knows that my hopes and my dreams are in a risen savior. The Bible tells us that he who delights in the Lord will have all the desires of his heart (Psalm 37:4). While I know that the desires of my heart are a mate and, more importantly, peace, happiness, and complacency, I know that it is God's will that is most important. This is something that fills me with so much joy, dear friends, because I know that I no longer have to answer to the world... I don't have to accept society's stereotypes or expectations, or even the expectations of my family -- the only person I have to please is God...
That is my mission -- to live a godly life, one that -- according to Scripture -- will grant me, in return, a fulfilling, happy life. One of my favorite verses, Habakkuk 2:3, says "For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay." I know that my time is coming and, when it does, the pay-off will be well-worth the wait. I need only be steadfast in my patience and in my faith, and although this will be difficult when the world tells me I should act otherwise, I know that I need only turn to God for the support to trudge onwards.
God bless you all. And to anyone struggling with homosexuality and, more specifically, reconciling homosexuality and Christianity, know that God loves you and has a wondrous plan for your life. Dive into his Word and learn of his promise for you. :)
A quick update on my life: I finished my first year at a major university successfully. I was a Dean's Scholar with good grades, the pride and joy of my parents, and returned home with much enthusiasm and excitement to a family that mourned my absence and friends that exploded with glee upon our reunion. It's been a fabulous summer, one in which I worked as a swim coach for the second year, an experience that was nothing less than rewarding. Just like last summer, I loved it, and it gave me a nice tan and bleached my dark hair to a wonderful shade of summery-blonde. I've enjoyed the company of my best friends, and we've certainly made memories that we will cherish for years to come. In short, everything, on the surface, has been splendid.
Unfortunately, my life feels very superficial and it seems that every emotion these days is "on the surface" and "unauthentic". Obviously, dear and faithful readers, (of which there are few of you, a fact I hope to change soon) this is due almost completely in part to my homosexuality, a struggle that still plagues me like a knife in the side. Sadly, I'm still experiencing misery in this department as I try to reconcile my homosexuality with my Christianity, a task that seems, at times, almost impossible. Thankfully, I've found solace in a place known as GayChristian.net, a refuge I highly recommend to anyone that is experiencing the same kind of hardships that I'm currently trudging through. GayChristian.net, or GCN as I like to call it, has been such a huge blessing in my life, and has helped me to navigate these waters to the best of my fledgling abilities. I can't say that I'm out yet, or that I'm any closer to telling my parents (a scenario that is nightmarish in its imagination), but the prospect of "coming out" and "living authentically" is no longer an unimaginable, impossible topic for me. I know that one day I will find peace and I will find serenity, hopefully with a partner but perhaps not; regardless, thankfully God has been speaking to me.
As I told a dear friend tonight, one I met through GCN nonetheless, I've decided to stop living my life for myself and start living it for God. As I told this friend, I've slowly begun to realize that my misery is a result of feeling absolutely and completely alone and abandoned. But yet, I'm not alone -- and this, dear reader(s), is something that I've only just begun to realize... I'm not alone! My Lord, dear Yahweh himself, is with me every step of the way. He knows my heart and my struggles (God knows there are many...), and he knows every decision, good or bad, that I have made, am making, and will make in the future. I know that he went to Calvary for me, and accepted nails in his hands and feet, a spear in his side, and a crown of thorns upon his head, all because he loved me with the most impossible love one could ever fathom. I know that I am not walking this path alone. Yes, I have my friends and GCN, but I also (and most importantly) have my dear, sweet savior holding my hand, wiping away my tears, and keeping my head up as he illuminates my path. I pray for encouragement as I dive into God's Word and truly find, for the first time in my life -- without the influence of arguable "Men of God" -- just what His words mean to me. It's an exciting time for me as I grow, not only as a Christian, but as a person and as a man... A gay man, but a man nonetheless. A man who knows that my hopes and my dreams are in a risen savior. The Bible tells us that he who delights in the Lord will have all the desires of his heart (Psalm 37:4). While I know that the desires of my heart are a mate and, more importantly, peace, happiness, and complacency, I know that it is God's will that is most important. This is something that fills me with so much joy, dear friends, because I know that I no longer have to answer to the world... I don't have to accept society's stereotypes or expectations, or even the expectations of my family -- the only person I have to please is God...
That is my mission -- to live a godly life, one that -- according to Scripture -- will grant me, in return, a fulfilling, happy life. One of my favorite verses, Habakkuk 2:3, says "For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay." I know that my time is coming and, when it does, the pay-off will be well-worth the wait. I need only be steadfast in my patience and in my faith, and although this will be difficult when the world tells me I should act otherwise, I know that I need only turn to God for the support to trudge onwards.
God bless you all. And to anyone struggling with homosexuality and, more specifically, reconciling homosexuality and Christianity, know that God loves you and has a wondrous plan for your life. Dive into his Word and learn of his promise for you. :)
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
A bit about me...
Now, a little bit of background information; as I mentioned in my previous, initial post, I was raised in a wonderfully tight-knit Christian family - Christian of the Southern Baptist persuasion. My family, very nuclear and WASP-y, consists of my mother and father (married over twenty-five years), my little sister, and myself. As I said, I'm extremely close with both of my parents: my mother - stunningly beautiful, outlandishly outgoing southern belle/homecoming queen/retired beauty queen (think Delta Burke) - and father - Mom's perfect foil, a bit more reserved and conservative, filled to the brim with a very dry wit and pitch-perfect timing. Then there's my sister, a few years younger than me who's currently experiencing The Change and beginning to drive my parents crazy. She's a preteen with the body of an eighteen year old, sporting a full-face of makeup, long Chi-straightened hair, and expensive clothing. Mom and Dad are just hitting the tip of the iceburg; they're only beginning to realize just how much easier it is to raise a boy than it is a girl, even a relatively high-maintenance one such as myself.
So, I'm really close with my family - obvi. But now that I'm away at college and finding out about myself, I'm beginning to experience something that I think all men and women of faith face at one time or another: a test of said faith. For one, the fact that I'm gay already complicates things. I mean, according to what the Jerry Falwells and Pat Robertsons of the world say, I'm going to hell. And, truthfully, if one reads the Bible and takes what it says at face value, their views are justified. I suppose that's what the biggest problem is for me. The fact that the Bible so candidly dismisses something that is so much more than just sex is creating a colossally-huge obstacle in my walk. How am I supposed to invest my faith in a god that sees me as this despicable perversion - this abomination - when I have absolutely no control over what I'm feeling? And if I'm being completely and totally honest, I don't think I really want to worship that kind of god. I mean, I've never been in love before - I've found that I'm not capable of loving a woman the way that I fantasize about love, or the way that my parents fell in love almost thirty years ago...
Is this just my cross to bear? Am I just supposed to suck it up and be alone for the rest of my life? That hardly seems fair. Am I supposed to fight these natural urges until the day I take in my last breath? People argue that alcoholics have to fight the urge to drink on a daily basis, but abstaining from drinking and abstaining from a lasting emotional relationship with someone are two completely different things. Eliminating alcohol from your life makes you healthier, both physically and psychologically; being alone, deprived of something so many other people get to experience makes you lonely and miserable. Trust me, I know. It kills me whenever a hot gay guy takes an interest in me and I have to turn away and "play it straight", simply because I don't want to commit a sin. But lately, the natural desires for an all-encompassing, emotionally-explosive relationship with a man - something no woman in this world can provide for me - is causing me to question even the simple existence of a god up above. And that worries me so much. The Bible has always been a crutch for me, a beacon of hope when times got dark. But now that I'm actually reading it in this daily Bible devotional thing I've been doing, I find myself frustrated as I try to make sense of who I am and who God, apparently, wants me to be.
You see, I think that I always subconsciously knew I was gay. I had crushes on girls (to this day, whenever I see Sophia Bush on One Tree Hill I swoon) but there was always some sort of ... fascination with men that really became evident once I entered high school. I always enjoyed the company of girls and was popular with the opposite sex, but the idea of doing anything sexual with them - things most normal straight guys in high school were doing and enjoyed doing - made me uncomfortable. Yet I pushed through the discomfort, forcibly ignoring that queesy feeling my body made that made the simple act of making out with a girl seem like I was violating every single one of my body's natural laws and conformed.
Like I said, I always knew I was gay, but I never really believed it. I'm sure on the surface I probably look very, very gay. I'm not flamboyant, but I certainly enjoy looking good and take great pride in my appearance; not to mention the fact that with other gay guys, their gaydar goes off like a fire alarm whenever they meet me. But all through high school people just began to see me as "The Pretty Boy" who looked kinda gay but really wasn't, probably due to the fact that I would vehemently deny my true sexuality when questions were asked by inquiring parties.
But yeah, so I probably always knew I was gay but I just always assumed it'd all go away and I'd meet some blonde bombshell who'd knock me off of my feet and set me on the right path, the straight and narrow - no pun intended. I even came up with ways to make myself aroused when I was getting intimate with girls - thinking about guys on Myspace that I thought were really hot and such. Not to mention the fact that whenever things really got sexual with girls, we were usually drunk. However, my whole world would really get shaken up this past summer after high school graduation, before I came to college...
I began dating this knock-out girl who I should've totally been smitten with - and I was. I loved talking on the phone with her; I loved cultivating a relationship with her. But the relationship was a shallow, friendly one - hardly the relationship one would expect in an epic love. What I didn't enjoy, however, was the prospect of "doing stuff". To me, "doing stuff" always seemed more like a task - a responsibility, an obligation - than any sort of lusty, carnal desire coming to fruition. I'd skirted the subject of sex by acting like I was some womanizing Adonis on the surface, and people believed - even my close-knit group of friends - but with this girl, it really seemed like we were going to take the top off of the proverbial cookie jar. To most guys, hitting home base with a girl as hot as this girl would've been a dream-come-true; to me, it was a nightmare. Realizing this, the attraction I had for her began to fade until I became almost repulsed; I simply stopped liking her and was, in every sense of the word, intimidated and afraid. And that was when I truly realized that something wasn't right, at least in the context of society's definition of "right".
After that I entered a period of severe depression, realizing that my dreams of being a father and a husband had probably evaporated like a puddle on a hot day. I realized that I was either going to be lonely forever or forced to live a lie in a loveless marriage; in all reality, I wanted to be dead. The prospect of disappointing my parents and breaking their hearts destroyed me. Suddenly a giant anvil of emotion had been strapped across my shoulders and I just wanted to die.
Unfortunately, I can't say that I've completely gotten past this point. I don't think I'll be able to have a relationship without the approval of my parents, because I can't do anything without the approval of my parents, but at the same time, the prospect of telling my parents about this, this hugely important part of who I am, just seems so unfortunately-impossible. The fact that I'll have to reconcile my tested faith with who I am also further complicates things...
Well, I certainly didn't mean to ramble on like that... A little bit of back-story transformed into an autobiography. I suppose that'll be enough for one night, and I hope you enjoyed reading!
So, I'm really close with my family - obvi. But now that I'm away at college and finding out about myself, I'm beginning to experience something that I think all men and women of faith face at one time or another: a test of said faith. For one, the fact that I'm gay already complicates things. I mean, according to what the Jerry Falwells and Pat Robertsons of the world say, I'm going to hell. And, truthfully, if one reads the Bible and takes what it says at face value, their views are justified. I suppose that's what the biggest problem is for me. The fact that the Bible so candidly dismisses something that is so much more than just sex is creating a colossally-huge obstacle in my walk. How am I supposed to invest my faith in a god that sees me as this despicable perversion - this abomination - when I have absolutely no control over what I'm feeling? And if I'm being completely and totally honest, I don't think I really want to worship that kind of god. I mean, I've never been in love before - I've found that I'm not capable of loving a woman the way that I fantasize about love, or the way that my parents fell in love almost thirty years ago...
Is this just my cross to bear? Am I just supposed to suck it up and be alone for the rest of my life? That hardly seems fair. Am I supposed to fight these natural urges until the day I take in my last breath? People argue that alcoholics have to fight the urge to drink on a daily basis, but abstaining from drinking and abstaining from a lasting emotional relationship with someone are two completely different things. Eliminating alcohol from your life makes you healthier, both physically and psychologically; being alone, deprived of something so many other people get to experience makes you lonely and miserable. Trust me, I know. It kills me whenever a hot gay guy takes an interest in me and I have to turn away and "play it straight", simply because I don't want to commit a sin. But lately, the natural desires for an all-encompassing, emotionally-explosive relationship with a man - something no woman in this world can provide for me - is causing me to question even the simple existence of a god up above. And that worries me so much. The Bible has always been a crutch for me, a beacon of hope when times got dark. But now that I'm actually reading it in this daily Bible devotional thing I've been doing, I find myself frustrated as I try to make sense of who I am and who God, apparently, wants me to be.
You see, I think that I always subconsciously knew I was gay. I had crushes on girls (to this day, whenever I see Sophia Bush on One Tree Hill I swoon) but there was always some sort of ... fascination with men that really became evident once I entered high school. I always enjoyed the company of girls and was popular with the opposite sex, but the idea of doing anything sexual with them - things most normal straight guys in high school were doing and enjoyed doing - made me uncomfortable. Yet I pushed through the discomfort, forcibly ignoring that queesy feeling my body made that made the simple act of making out with a girl seem like I was violating every single one of my body's natural laws and conformed.
Like I said, I always knew I was gay, but I never really believed it. I'm sure on the surface I probably look very, very gay. I'm not flamboyant, but I certainly enjoy looking good and take great pride in my appearance; not to mention the fact that with other gay guys, their gaydar goes off like a fire alarm whenever they meet me. But all through high school people just began to see me as "The Pretty Boy" who looked kinda gay but really wasn't, probably due to the fact that I would vehemently deny my true sexuality when questions were asked by inquiring parties.
But yeah, so I probably always knew I was gay but I just always assumed it'd all go away and I'd meet some blonde bombshell who'd knock me off of my feet and set me on the right path, the straight and narrow - no pun intended. I even came up with ways to make myself aroused when I was getting intimate with girls - thinking about guys on Myspace that I thought were really hot and such. Not to mention the fact that whenever things really got sexual with girls, we were usually drunk. However, my whole world would really get shaken up this past summer after high school graduation, before I came to college...
I began dating this knock-out girl who I should've totally been smitten with - and I was. I loved talking on the phone with her; I loved cultivating a relationship with her. But the relationship was a shallow, friendly one - hardly the relationship one would expect in an epic love. What I didn't enjoy, however, was the prospect of "doing stuff". To me, "doing stuff" always seemed more like a task - a responsibility, an obligation - than any sort of lusty, carnal desire coming to fruition. I'd skirted the subject of sex by acting like I was some womanizing Adonis on the surface, and people believed - even my close-knit group of friends - but with this girl, it really seemed like we were going to take the top off of the proverbial cookie jar. To most guys, hitting home base with a girl as hot as this girl would've been a dream-come-true; to me, it was a nightmare. Realizing this, the attraction I had for her began to fade until I became almost repulsed; I simply stopped liking her and was, in every sense of the word, intimidated and afraid. And that was when I truly realized that something wasn't right, at least in the context of society's definition of "right".
After that I entered a period of severe depression, realizing that my dreams of being a father and a husband had probably evaporated like a puddle on a hot day. I realized that I was either going to be lonely forever or forced to live a lie in a loveless marriage; in all reality, I wanted to be dead. The prospect of disappointing my parents and breaking their hearts destroyed me. Suddenly a giant anvil of emotion had been strapped across my shoulders and I just wanted to die.
Unfortunately, I can't say that I've completely gotten past this point. I don't think I'll be able to have a relationship without the approval of my parents, because I can't do anything without the approval of my parents, but at the same time, the prospect of telling my parents about this, this hugely important part of who I am, just seems so unfortunately-impossible. The fact that I'll have to reconcile my tested faith with who I am also further complicates things...
Well, I certainly didn't mean to ramble on like that... A little bit of back-story transformed into an autobiography. I suppose that'll be enough for one night, and I hope you enjoyed reading!
Salutations
In total honesty, the creation of this blog was very much a random action. Obviously. It's almost 3 o'clock in the morning, and I'm sitting here at my computer screen, creating a blog when I should very well be sleeping. Especially when one considers that it's finals week.
That's right. Finals week. My name is Lacuna (not really, but the necessity for anonymity will be further clarified in a second) and I'm college student at a major university. I'm studying advertising and enjoying it immensely. Some of my hobbies include academia, working out, high-fashion, looking good, politics, debate, religion, comic book collecting, etc. I feel that I'm a fairly well-rounded guy that likes many things and can cultivate relationship with a great variety of people. Coming here, I attempted the fraternity thing not once but twice before I finally decided that compromising my personal comforts and personal dignity for the approval of fat, drunken frat boys is not an extracurricular activity I enjoy partaking in. And, really, the only reason I tried to be The Frat Guy was because it seemed that that was what was expected of me. But that's another story.
You see, I tend to ramble, and there will probably be a lot of that in my blog, because I'm a very, very confused and un-anchored young man. You see, I have recently come to terms with the fact that I'm probably gay - and that, dear readers, is probably going to be one of the biggest running themes in this blog, as it's something I will, no doubt, be struggling with for a long time to come. Although I've yet to be with another man, it doesn't make things easier by any stretch of the imagination. Also of note is the fact that I come from a very religious Southern Baptist family that has taught me that these kinds of thoughts are temporary and "curable" and that this "lifestyle choice" is an immoral one that will, should I choose to partake, result in eternal damnation in hell. It's hard to shake this kind of emphasis, especially when one is very, very close to their family, as is the case in my situation.
But that's enough for the first entry. I'm sure that some of the things that I say many will find to be absolutely and completely pathetic. Some will find me to be a sad, cowardly excuse for a human being. Some may understand my plight as I trudge through this painfully difficult time in my life. I only ask that you be respectful and understanding. I'm young and inexperienced, but I'm learning... Learning to think for myself, learning to make my own opinions, and learning just exactly how to step outside of the sphere of influence of my parents...
...All while advancing my education and experiencing all the fun-filled rigors and roadblocks of university life. Oh joy! Should be a fun ride. Stay tuned, and happy reading.
That's right. Finals week. My name is Lacuna (not really, but the necessity for anonymity will be further clarified in a second) and I'm college student at a major university. I'm studying advertising and enjoying it immensely. Some of my hobbies include academia, working out, high-fashion, looking good, politics, debate, religion, comic book collecting, etc. I feel that I'm a fairly well-rounded guy that likes many things and can cultivate relationship with a great variety of people. Coming here, I attempted the fraternity thing not once but twice before I finally decided that compromising my personal comforts and personal dignity for the approval of fat, drunken frat boys is not an extracurricular activity I enjoy partaking in. And, really, the only reason I tried to be The Frat Guy was because it seemed that that was what was expected of me. But that's another story.
You see, I tend to ramble, and there will probably be a lot of that in my blog, because I'm a very, very confused and un-anchored young man. You see, I have recently come to terms with the fact that I'm probably gay - and that, dear readers, is probably going to be one of the biggest running themes in this blog, as it's something I will, no doubt, be struggling with for a long time to come. Although I've yet to be with another man, it doesn't make things easier by any stretch of the imagination. Also of note is the fact that I come from a very religious Southern Baptist family that has taught me that these kinds of thoughts are temporary and "curable" and that this "lifestyle choice" is an immoral one that will, should I choose to partake, result in eternal damnation in hell. It's hard to shake this kind of emphasis, especially when one is very, very close to their family, as is the case in my situation.
But that's enough for the first entry. I'm sure that some of the things that I say many will find to be absolutely and completely pathetic. Some will find me to be a sad, cowardly excuse for a human being. Some may understand my plight as I trudge through this painfully difficult time in my life. I only ask that you be respectful and understanding. I'm young and inexperienced, but I'm learning... Learning to think for myself, learning to make my own opinions, and learning just exactly how to step outside of the sphere of influence of my parents...
...All while advancing my education and experiencing all the fun-filled rigors and roadblocks of university life. Oh joy! Should be a fun ride. Stay tuned, and happy reading.
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