Sunday, August 12, 2007
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Feeling Nostalgic and Saying Goodbye
So today one of my dear friends left to begin the next stage of her life. She's a dancer, and she's moving to West Palm Beach, Florida to dance for a company there under contract. I'm really happy for her, but she is one of the individuals in my core group of friends and I can honestly say that letting her go was very difficult. Out of this "core group" there are about four or five of us, all the same age, and last year after we graduated high school I was the only one who continued on to a major university. Thus, I was the only one that had a big traumatic goodbye/farewell scenario unfold. I remember it vividly; we got together the night before, went out to dinner at Cheesecake, then went back to one of our houses and drank mojitos (don't judge me :). Then the next morning I woke up, made sure everything was packed, and prepared to end that chapter of my life and leave for college. My friends came over and in a very, very tearful, traumatic farewell, I left. They came and saw me off, told me how much they'd miss me, and then my parents stepped in, told everyone to grab hands, and my mother said a prayer through her sobs for my safety, well-being, and for my future.
Now I know how it feels to be on the receiving end; to be the one who has to say goodbye. My friend, we'll call her Danielle, is very different from me politically, but that was part of what made our friendship so vibrant and so strong; there were four of us there saying goodbye to Danielle and we all stood in a line and hugged her. When she got to me and my ex-girlfriend, she lost it -- as she was very close to both of us. When she lost it and succumbed to her tears, so did everyone else. It reminded me so much of when I left as we embraced and told eachother we loved each other, which we do -- very much. I really do wish Danielle the best, and miss her dearly. Saying goodbye is never easy, but I feel it probably makes one stronger.
I also feel myself recollecting and becoming nostalgic now more than ever before. I still have a few weeks before I go back to school, but lately I've been finding myself daydreaming about high school, about memories past, and about my life before I was, literally, on my own. I was doing the same thing this time last year, but that was because I was about to dive off into the great unknown and begin a completely new, foreign chapter in my life. Now, I'm just remembering all the things I've done; it's crazy to think that now I'm really out of high school. I've been out of high school for two years now, I'm no longer a fresh graduate. I'm a college student. It's scary and it makes me sad as I remember myself walking through the halls of my high school, optimistic and happy and so blissfully ignorant to the real world, believing that this would last forever and that it would never truly end. But it does, faithful readers, it does. I now tell my sister the same things I was told years ago: enjoy it while it lasts, because it's coming, and it will come fast. Those words are so true. You really do grow up.
In other news, I think I'm in love, but I don't think that's really a giant revelation. "Love" is probably the wrong word. I'm more "lovesick." So lovesick, in fact, that I want to write a song. Or jump off a bridge. Or just sit and cry and drink wine and listen to Bob Segar and wallow in self-pity. Please pray for me.
Now I know how it feels to be on the receiving end; to be the one who has to say goodbye. My friend, we'll call her Danielle, is very different from me politically, but that was part of what made our friendship so vibrant and so strong; there were four of us there saying goodbye to Danielle and we all stood in a line and hugged her. When she got to me and my ex-girlfriend, she lost it -- as she was very close to both of us. When she lost it and succumbed to her tears, so did everyone else. It reminded me so much of when I left as we embraced and told eachother we loved each other, which we do -- very much. I really do wish Danielle the best, and miss her dearly. Saying goodbye is never easy, but I feel it probably makes one stronger.
I also feel myself recollecting and becoming nostalgic now more than ever before. I still have a few weeks before I go back to school, but lately I've been finding myself daydreaming about high school, about memories past, and about my life before I was, literally, on my own. I was doing the same thing this time last year, but that was because I was about to dive off into the great unknown and begin a completely new, foreign chapter in my life. Now, I'm just remembering all the things I've done; it's crazy to think that now I'm really out of high school. I've been out of high school for two years now, I'm no longer a fresh graduate. I'm a college student. It's scary and it makes me sad as I remember myself walking through the halls of my high school, optimistic and happy and so blissfully ignorant to the real world, believing that this would last forever and that it would never truly end. But it does, faithful readers, it does. I now tell my sister the same things I was told years ago: enjoy it while it lasts, because it's coming, and it will come fast. Those words are so true. You really do grow up.
In other news, I think I'm in love, but I don't think that's really a giant revelation. "Love" is probably the wrong word. I'm more "lovesick." So lovesick, in fact, that I want to write a song. Or jump off a bridge. Or just sit and cry and drink wine and listen to Bob Segar and wallow in self-pity. Please pray for me.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Finding Peace
First off, my apologies for such a huge, glaring absence. Truth-be-told, I sort of lost interest in updating this blog (after two entries ... I'm a cad, I know). I began keeping a tangible diary, spiral-bound and hand-written, shortly after the original genesis of this blog, but due to a paralyzing fear of being found out, I disposed of it. I have decided to return to this blog, a wonderful lighthouse in the murky darkness, a guiding beacon to the wayward sailor that is myself. I remember the sense of, for lack of a better cliché, catharsis I experienced as I wrote about emotions that I had only dared to think about, never to give reality by speaking of (although I guess typing them out into the internet medium isn't necessarily speaking of them either). But, nonetheless, updating this blog and writing in it, albeit only the two measly times, was very much something I needed. Desperately.
A quick update on my life: I finished my first year at a major university successfully. I was a Dean's Scholar with good grades, the pride and joy of my parents, and returned home with much enthusiasm and excitement to a family that mourned my absence and friends that exploded with glee upon our reunion. It's been a fabulous summer, one in which I worked as a swim coach for the second year, an experience that was nothing less than rewarding. Just like last summer, I loved it, and it gave me a nice tan and bleached my dark hair to a wonderful shade of summery-blonde. I've enjoyed the company of my best friends, and we've certainly made memories that we will cherish for years to come. In short, everything, on the surface, has been splendid.
Unfortunately, my life feels very superficial and it seems that every emotion these days is "on the surface" and "unauthentic". Obviously, dear and faithful readers, (of which there are few of you, a fact I hope to change soon) this is due almost completely in part to my homosexuality, a struggle that still plagues me like a knife in the side. Sadly, I'm still experiencing misery in this department as I try to reconcile my homosexuality with my Christianity, a task that seems, at times, almost impossible. Thankfully, I've found solace in a place known as GayChristian.net, a refuge I highly recommend to anyone that is experiencing the same kind of hardships that I'm currently trudging through. GayChristian.net, or GCN as I like to call it, has been such a huge blessing in my life, and has helped me to navigate these waters to the best of my fledgling abilities. I can't say that I'm out yet, or that I'm any closer to telling my parents (a scenario that is nightmarish in its imagination), but the prospect of "coming out" and "living authentically" is no longer an unimaginable, impossible topic for me. I know that one day I will find peace and I will find serenity, hopefully with a partner but perhaps not; regardless, thankfully God has been speaking to me.
As I told a dear friend tonight, one I met through GCN nonetheless, I've decided to stop living my life for myself and start living it for God. As I told this friend, I've slowly begun to realize that my misery is a result of feeling absolutely and completely alone and abandoned. But yet, I'm not alone -- and this, dear reader(s), is something that I've only just begun to realize... I'm not alone! My Lord, dear Yahweh himself, is with me every step of the way. He knows my heart and my struggles (God knows there are many...), and he knows every decision, good or bad, that I have made, am making, and will make in the future. I know that he went to Calvary for me, and accepted nails in his hands and feet, a spear in his side, and a crown of thorns upon his head, all because he loved me with the most impossible love one could ever fathom. I know that I am not walking this path alone. Yes, I have my friends and GCN, but I also (and most importantly) have my dear, sweet savior holding my hand, wiping away my tears, and keeping my head up as he illuminates my path. I pray for encouragement as I dive into God's Word and truly find, for the first time in my life -- without the influence of arguable "Men of God" -- just what His words mean to me. It's an exciting time for me as I grow, not only as a Christian, but as a person and as a man... A gay man, but a man nonetheless. A man who knows that my hopes and my dreams are in a risen savior. The Bible tells us that he who delights in the Lord will have all the desires of his heart (Psalm 37:4). While I know that the desires of my heart are a mate and, more importantly, peace, happiness, and complacency, I know that it is God's will that is most important. This is something that fills me with so much joy, dear friends, because I know that I no longer have to answer to the world... I don't have to accept society's stereotypes or expectations, or even the expectations of my family -- the only person I have to please is God...
That is my mission -- to live a godly life, one that -- according to Scripture -- will grant me, in return, a fulfilling, happy life. One of my favorite verses, Habakkuk 2:3, says "For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay." I know that my time is coming and, when it does, the pay-off will be well-worth the wait. I need only be steadfast in my patience and in my faith, and although this will be difficult when the world tells me I should act otherwise, I know that I need only turn to God for the support to trudge onwards.
God bless you all. And to anyone struggling with homosexuality and, more specifically, reconciling homosexuality and Christianity, know that God loves you and has a wondrous plan for your life. Dive into his Word and learn of his promise for you. :)
A quick update on my life: I finished my first year at a major university successfully. I was a Dean's Scholar with good grades, the pride and joy of my parents, and returned home with much enthusiasm and excitement to a family that mourned my absence and friends that exploded with glee upon our reunion. It's been a fabulous summer, one in which I worked as a swim coach for the second year, an experience that was nothing less than rewarding. Just like last summer, I loved it, and it gave me a nice tan and bleached my dark hair to a wonderful shade of summery-blonde. I've enjoyed the company of my best friends, and we've certainly made memories that we will cherish for years to come. In short, everything, on the surface, has been splendid.
Unfortunately, my life feels very superficial and it seems that every emotion these days is "on the surface" and "unauthentic". Obviously, dear and faithful readers, (of which there are few of you, a fact I hope to change soon) this is due almost completely in part to my homosexuality, a struggle that still plagues me like a knife in the side. Sadly, I'm still experiencing misery in this department as I try to reconcile my homosexuality with my Christianity, a task that seems, at times, almost impossible. Thankfully, I've found solace in a place known as GayChristian.net, a refuge I highly recommend to anyone that is experiencing the same kind of hardships that I'm currently trudging through. GayChristian.net, or GCN as I like to call it, has been such a huge blessing in my life, and has helped me to navigate these waters to the best of my fledgling abilities. I can't say that I'm out yet, or that I'm any closer to telling my parents (a scenario that is nightmarish in its imagination), but the prospect of "coming out" and "living authentically" is no longer an unimaginable, impossible topic for me. I know that one day I will find peace and I will find serenity, hopefully with a partner but perhaps not; regardless, thankfully God has been speaking to me.
As I told a dear friend tonight, one I met through GCN nonetheless, I've decided to stop living my life for myself and start living it for God. As I told this friend, I've slowly begun to realize that my misery is a result of feeling absolutely and completely alone and abandoned. But yet, I'm not alone -- and this, dear reader(s), is something that I've only just begun to realize... I'm not alone! My Lord, dear Yahweh himself, is with me every step of the way. He knows my heart and my struggles (God knows there are many...), and he knows every decision, good or bad, that I have made, am making, and will make in the future. I know that he went to Calvary for me, and accepted nails in his hands and feet, a spear in his side, and a crown of thorns upon his head, all because he loved me with the most impossible love one could ever fathom. I know that I am not walking this path alone. Yes, I have my friends and GCN, but I also (and most importantly) have my dear, sweet savior holding my hand, wiping away my tears, and keeping my head up as he illuminates my path. I pray for encouragement as I dive into God's Word and truly find, for the first time in my life -- without the influence of arguable "Men of God" -- just what His words mean to me. It's an exciting time for me as I grow, not only as a Christian, but as a person and as a man... A gay man, but a man nonetheless. A man who knows that my hopes and my dreams are in a risen savior. The Bible tells us that he who delights in the Lord will have all the desires of his heart (Psalm 37:4). While I know that the desires of my heart are a mate and, more importantly, peace, happiness, and complacency, I know that it is God's will that is most important. This is something that fills me with so much joy, dear friends, because I know that I no longer have to answer to the world... I don't have to accept society's stereotypes or expectations, or even the expectations of my family -- the only person I have to please is God...
That is my mission -- to live a godly life, one that -- according to Scripture -- will grant me, in return, a fulfilling, happy life. One of my favorite verses, Habakkuk 2:3, says "For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay." I know that my time is coming and, when it does, the pay-off will be well-worth the wait. I need only be steadfast in my patience and in my faith, and although this will be difficult when the world tells me I should act otherwise, I know that I need only turn to God for the support to trudge onwards.
God bless you all. And to anyone struggling with homosexuality and, more specifically, reconciling homosexuality and Christianity, know that God loves you and has a wondrous plan for your life. Dive into his Word and learn of his promise for you. :)
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